cry.

I cried.

I cried reading mitch albom books.

I cried from watching anything.

One tree hill, grey’s anatomy. I cried watching denny duquette died eventhough I’ve watched it millions of times. I freaking cried watching American idol coz someone got the golden ticket. hah.

when I’m all alone, I’m me. I don’t hold back my tears. I like the feeling, I like how the tears streaming down my cheek. I let it flow, I didn’t wipe it. When I look at myself in the mirror, I looked ridiculous. Even scary when my so-called-waterproof mascara was ruined. But somehow I felt better inside. There’s a wave of calmness, peace. Like I know somehow everything is going to be ok.

Sometimes I don’t want to cry. Sometimes my chest hurts,like it’s gonna explode, for holding back the tears. Lump forming in my throat. I bit my lips so hard that I thought it’s going to bleed if I bit it for one more second. When someone hurts me from inside, I don’t want to let them win. I don’t want them to feel the satisfaction for crushing me. You won’t have that. I’d numb myself, immune to tears. Cut the connection wire of my tear ducts to my brain. Another thing that I did, whenever I felt like I want to cry, I’d hold back, take a deep breath, and smile. It works for me. Like there’s a voice inside my head that said,” there there now, anis. everything’s going to be ok. ssshh, don’t cry.” I know I might sound crazy, but then, when nobody’s there to comfort you, you have no one but yourself, isn’t it?

I don’t like crying in public, even in the dark movie hall. I know nobody can see me cry, but still, I won’t. If I know for sure the movie is a sad movie, I’d skip watching it in cinema and bought the dvd instead. I’d watch it alone, sometimes with my teddy bear, and also Kleenex, and cry my eyes out. ^^,

Last time I cried? Yesterday. One Tree Hill. when peyton being so bitchy(I like her bitchy version better.haha) and Lindsey cried because peyton mocks her about being a daddy’s girl. She didn’t know Lindsey’s father is dead and Lindsey was by her father’s bedside when his life support was cut. Hearing the flat beep sound, meaning only one thing; he’s not here anymore. Right in front of you. The person that you knew all your life is not here anymore. You can’t pick up the phone to hear his voice anymore, you can’t see him smile.. =[

Also I don’t think crying over boys/girls are worth it. So he broke up with you, you move on. it’s ok to cry of course, but being all moody, cry every night to sleep, because of one BOY, so not worth it. girls, don’t let him win. play ‘I will survive’ on top volume, or whatever song you want to bang your head on. You’ll find someone better. ;)

But then again, I never get dumped, (I’d dump him first. hah) so I didn’t know how it feels.

One thing for sure; crying is not a sign of weakness. Guys can act all macho outside, but he still cry. 75% of guys admitted shedding a few tears watching The Notebook. =)