Walks like rain.

I feel so alone. Here I go again..... [insert eyes rolling down the hill here]


Have you ever find yourself being SO HAPPY, or SO SAD, and then there will be that one person who pops up in your mind and you want to go tell/share with them about it? I don't. Sometimes there were some people, but then, oh wait, I haven't talked to them since forever. It'll be awkward.
Or maybe there were busy, never mind.

And I keep bottling these feelings up and I don't know what to do. What I write on my blog is more than I would ever tell someone.

. . .

I've never been this, stressed. Depressed.

I know people say getting your heart broken and all that hurts, but seriously. I'd leave my heart on the road for cars to smash it(not, literally) rather than feeling this huge disappointment. I'm just bad everything. Bad daughter, sister, friend, student.

If you ask me how would I describe myself I would basically use these words :
Failure. Disappointment. Loser.

Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. You know when you cried a LOT, and when you wake up the next morning, your eyes would be like, swollen? IT'S AWESOME.

I'm walking with this constant huge, thick, gray clouds over my head.

One my favorite quotes I always tell myself is; "You're way too young not to believe it's all gonna be okay." One Tree Hill.
'Everything will be alright' used to be what people call a 'motto'. But now? I'm having a hard time believing it all myself.

I'm struggling so hard with my studies I had to drop a subject. Which means about RM 1500 of my parents' money, burnt. I just wish I'm rich right now. Seriously. Not for me to go shopping or holiday, just to pay for my college fees. I seriously consider joining these stupid competitions on tv or newspaper in which they offer money. I JUST WANT A LOT OF MONEY RIGHT NOW OKAY. (Duh, who doesn't)

Or maybe I should just enroll in a public university. That'd be cheaper. That would make everyone happy. Except me. I don't have to deal with people giving me weird looks when I say I'm in a private college. 'Mesti anak orang kaya ni.' 'UiTM kan ada mass comm? Kenapa tak masuk situ je?''American degree program tu apa?' 'Inti college? Kat mana tu?'

No I'm not. Because I didn't get that course and also mingling with people from other races can be a very good thing and I can improve my English. Go freaking Google it. Go Google map it. URGHHHH.


I don't believe 'everything will be okay'. I just believe there is hope in everything. It's a tiny flicker, but it's there.

Run, baby, run
Don’t ever look back
They’ll tear us apart if you give them the chance

---

You make me feel like
I'm living a teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back

---

I just wanna fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away

---

There are millions of songs about running away, and that's what I feel like doing. But running away from a problem won't solve anything. I just want to escape this shitty reality.



She acts like summer, and walks like rain.
Train - Drops of Jupiter.