I am scared. Of the future, of the uncertainties of it.
I wish I can be more confident in my dreams. Whenever someone asks me; what do you major in? I replied 'journalism' weakly, as if I don't believe in it myself. I used to hate when people giving me 'You? Journalism? Good luck with that' kind of look. But then I realized why. I don't believe in myself either.
I don't know how to explain it but whenever I read, heard the word journalism, there is this eagerness or warmth in my heart. Like it was something I want to do. No matter how hard it is I want to learn it. I want to excel in it. I want to be it.
But God knows how many times I doubt myself. I don't think I'm good enough. I found a lot of blogs owned by people like me. Teenagers who want to be a journalist. And some of the blogs are really really good. I am nowhere as good as them.
No, I don't want your reassurance. Maybe some people, after reading this would say ; Oh Anis, you'll be fine. You should definitely pursue journalism.
I've gotten those kind of compliments before and I am eternally grateful for it. (Sounds familiar? EH? EH? HAHA. 'Eternally grateful' was from Toy Story :])
But this is not me seeking desperate attention. Like some girls who said they're fat when they're really not, they're really skinny and just want to fish some compliments? Yeah I hate those girls too. HIGH FIVE. Some of them are thinner than me and they say 'Oh I'm so fat, I have big butt'. So if you think you're fat, what does that make me? Ohkay thanks for reminding me that I'm obese. -__-
Anyway, back to the real topic.
That's one of my biggest fear - not being good enough. If I try my hardest, and I'm still not good enough, what then? How do I fix something when the root of the problem is me? I don't want to let my parents down. In life we can only plan, but the rest is up to God.
When I was enrolling for my second semester, I met one of the counselor. She gave me this file on one US university, and I googled it. It was one of the top journalism school. And the campus was beauuuutiful. Good news? The CGPA required to get in is not that high. Bad news? It's tough to get in and they don't offer scholarship. BRB - my heart is breaking.
For now, all I know is journalism is something I want to do in life. Or something that relates to it. Doubts are normal, I guess. In fact it's when you don't have any doubt, you should be worried. IT'S THE FUTURE we're talking about. There are no U-turns.
So that was all. Another one of my rant, my hopes-and-dreams rant.
I wish I can fast forward 10 years from now and see how and where I end up in life.
And oh, for second semester I'm taking ;
ENGLISH COMPOSITION II
INTRODUCTION TO MICROECONOMICS
COLLEGE PHYSICS
GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY
Good news - NO CLASS ON FRIDAY. YAYYEAHHH.
Bad news - I have 2 days where classes start at 8am, meaning I have to wake up at 5.30am. And I have 2 days where classes end at 6pm, meaning I'll be going home during rush hour and be squeezed in the train.
There'll always be more bad news than the good ones, no? :/
Wish me luck? :) I would seriously need it. Basically, if I get terrible results for my second semester, I have to give up American Degree Program and start all over again from the bottom by getting a diploma at a public university.
2 comments:
Anis, you will be absolutely fine. Whether you end up doing journalism or something absolutely different, you are bound to do very well in it because you know you want to be the best at what you are doing.
Plus, you can enter journalism whether you're 20 or 50, so even if you don't get into it straightaway, or don't quite get the hang of it, you'll nearly always have a second chance. YOu can do whatever you want to do, Anis.
Catherine xxx
Dear Anis,
When I read your post I was thinking,hey are you going to give up on the things you enjoy doing just because sometimes you just think you can't make it?You know what?I've taken some time to think of actually pursuing my dream,doing what I love because of YOU,your blog is an inspiration to me,you're one of the people who I find admirable since you have the same mindset as I am and you've inspired me to pursue my dream..so girl,don't stop believing!I know you can make it through,if you ever feel like you're going to give up or doubt on why you choose this path..remember the reasons on why you chose this dream,this path..oh and I've found a suitable song for you if you ever felt discouraged,it's a korean song but the song is so inspirational,I shivered down to the spine when I heard this song and know the meaning :D I hope at least you can feel okay when you heard this song :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRPAPsJNIDs&feature=related
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