Finding my way home

Before I start, I just want to say this blog post might come across as, pretentious or braggy or preachy or even doesn’t make sense but I just feel the need to share what I feel. This also might be one of the most personal posts I've ever written. Things I've never shared with anybody (ceh, ayaaaat). I am not the best person to write about Islam or Allah so apologies in advance. I try to be honest here and stating my mistakes/dosa feels, weird, but I’m trying to learn from them.

Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah, I just got back from Jeddah few days ago safe and sound (though walking with a limp, I’ll get to that some other time. I'm fine, really). Having the chance to go for umrah for the second time (and I’m only 21 years old) is a big deal and I couldn’t thank Allah enough for the opportunity.

That’s what I said today.

Months ago when I was still in the US and found out I’ll be going for umrah during my summer break, I’d say I was happy, but mostly in the back of my mind I thought, ummmm why can’t we go to, say, London or Amsterdam or Korea for holiday like so many of my friends? :/ I’ve done umrah once. Why not go someplace we haven’t gone before? Somewhere cooler I can brag about like Paris…

When you go for umrah, people say you’re “tetamu Allah”, “Allah memilih tuan/puan untuk datang ke rumahnya” etc as if you’re really special and handpicked to go there. But honestly for me, it’s because of my parents. My parents can afford to bring the whole family there, my parents love going there. I was more excited for the fact that at least I’m not spending the whole 3 months home than to be doing umrah again. That is the truth I’ve been denying. If I’m being even more honest, if I had RM6000+, I’d spend it on a Macbook than going for umrah. I didn’t even read the umrah guide book (“I still remember most of the stuff from the first time anyway”), I packed at the very last minute, didn’t even bother shopping for jubah (hence why most of my jubah is sort of embarassingly senteng). In short, I was not mentally, spiritually prepared.

We went to Madinah first and everything was fine. But then in the bus ride to Makkah (about 5 – 6 hours) I really started reflecting on myself. I asked Allah, why did you choose me to come here? I haven’t been the best Muslimah I can be. I admit I’ve missed prayers, pray at the last hour, barely read the Quran, barely turn to you, Allah, when my heart is troubled.

Then somewhere along the line, or maybe the mutawwif said something that just clicked in my mind, the answer is so much more simpler than I thought: Allah still loves me. Allah itu Maha Penyayang. I’ve wandered off from what I should’ve been, and Allah wants me to come back to the right path. To worship Him. To turn to Him in my darkest time, not to songs or quotes from books. God, I feel so stupid. I memorized more of Taylor Swift songs than Quran verses. I memorized more quotes from Mitch Albom books than the Quran. I turn to Coldplay’s Fix You when I’m sad, not Allah. What can those bring me? Why didn’t I turn to Allah’s words, His promises that can bring me peace?

One night in Makkah, I couldn’t sleep because I was busy thinking about something so I decided to take wudhu’ and because my sister and my bibik were already sleeping, I went to Level M of the hotel where they have an open area for prayers. And because there was a Quran with Malay translations there, I opened a random page. As I read through, I found the verse:

(Surah Al-Ra’d: Ayat 28)

 
Hanya dengan mengingati Allah hati akan menjadi tenteram? UM, I was a little freaked out. That was exactly what I needed. But then I realized,  Allah knows. Allah knows. Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Somehow I think the fact that I just happen to open that page of the Quran was not a coincidence.

In fact the same thing happened again while I was waiting for solat Zohor at Masjidil Harram. My mom brought her Quran with Malay translation and I happened to flip to this verse:

(Surah Muddaththir: Ayat 40 - 43)

It's the basic knowledge any 7 year-old would know; those who missed prayers will go to neraka jahanam but at that moment, I cried. And I did solat sunat taubat for all the prayers I’ve missed. I knew it wasn’t enough but masya Allah, berdosanya rasa ketika itu. I remember one time I even missed a prayer because I was too busy shopping. I was so dumb wow I have no words.

I even read at the bottom part of the Quran where it’s stated:

Dari hadits Abu Sa'id al-KhudriRadhiyallahu 'Anhu, Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallambersabda;

إِنَّ أَدْنَى أَهْلِ النَّارِ عَذَابًا يَنْتَعِلُ بِنَعْلَيْنِ مِنْ نَارٍ يَغْلِى دِمَاغُهُ مِنْ حَرَارَةِ نَعْلَيْهِ

"Sesungguhnya penghuni neraka yang paling ringan siksanya, ia memakai dua sandal dari neraka, seketika itu mendidih otaknya disebabkan panasnya dua sandalnya itu."

Masya Allah. I cringed, and thought, “paling RINGAN? Paling. ringan.” Missing a prayer is not even a dosa ringan. It was life-changing reading that. Literally from now on if I were to do something bad, I think, is this worth getting my brain boiled in neraka later? The answer is always, always no. (This gives a whole new meaning to ‘hell to the no’ sorry bad time to be joking).

I don’t know what other people’s perceptions of me is, but sometimes I sense people think a little too highly of me. That I still wear my tudung in the US despite being one of the only two students to do so in the whole university, the discrimination I might face, that I’m strong enough to not succumb to eat non-halal food (“kesiannya kau”), that I don’t go out drinking, that I don’t go clubbing, etc. Or when I go out with my friends here in Malaysia, I'm always the one who's busy searching for surau to pray. Trust me, those are easy peasy stuff. Truth is, I slept through Subuh pretty often because of pure laziness to get up from the top bunk. Or I delay prayers because there would be a lot of people in the bathroom and I don’t want them to look at me weird for washing my feet at the sink for wudhu’. And even when I pray, I rarely ever khusyuk. That is still a struggle. I am so flawed, so hina and berdosa.

And then one time because I was bored, I borrowed my sister’s iPhone and because it would be highly inappropriate to listen to pop songs in the masjid, I listen to Maher Zain. I knew how nice his songs are, but I never really dissect the lyrics. And when I listen to ‘Thank You Allah’, the words rang so true to me I feel like I was being mocked.

I walked everyday
Further and further away from you
O Allah, you brought me home (this sentence in particular because home; Kaabah, He brought me here to his holy house)

--

I was too proud to see the truth
And prostrate to you

--

Now Allah, I realized what I was missing
By being far from you.

And I cried, again. The same goes for his song ‘Insha Allah.’

I was so proud saying I read this many books this year, I’ve read books by this author, I’ve heard of that author, etc., when I barely read the one book/kitab I should be reading: Al-Quran. In fact, last time my family went shopping, my mom and sister bought a Quran each and me? Psh, English best-seller books. Now that I think of it, literally everytime I went to a bookstore, I’ve never even glanced at the religion section. I don’t need these stuff. If people see me browsing here, they must be thinking I’m lame and oh-so-alim. Look at me browsing these thick English books by famous American/British authors, I look so educated, so cool.

Can I just say I’m disgusted at myself.

I’m not saying I won’t listen to another Taylor Swift song or stop reading non-religious books, or won't tweet about a song I can relate to, but I guess for me it’s the little steps. I’m trying to pray better, read and more importantly understand the Quran, zikir when I have the chance as opposed to doing nothing, learn more about Rasulullah. Speaking of Quran, it took me way too long to realize reading it without understanding it is pretty useless. All this time I read it for the sake of reading it, to get pahala but how can I get the full benefit unless I know what the words meant? It’s literally the same as picking up a French book and reading it, maybe getting most of the pronunciation right, but not understanding a word of it.

I remember one night in Wisconsin during winter break I read some of people’s favorite Quran verses and someone said it’s:

“For indeed, with hardship will be ease.”

And it soothes my heart more than Strepsils soothes my sore throat (sorry, bad joke). I knew it was Allah’s promise. And if there’s anyone who stays true to his words, it’s Allah. And it was enough for me. That line of the Quran is what I try to come back to more than those mellow, inspirational songs.

I am not sure if this is considered hidayah daripada Allah, but I knew one thing for sure: Allah helps those who help themselves. If I can work tirelessly at improving my grades, or keeping in touch with my friends even though we haven't seen each other in a while, why can’t I do the same for my relationship with Allah? For akhirat that will last eternally longer than my time here on earth?

Writing this and rediscovering myself was eye-opening and a humbling experience, but the next challenge is to be consistent.  

Truth be told, I was scared leaving Makkah. I was sad, but mostly scared. In Makkah, all I did everyday is literally go to the masjid and pray/zikir/recite the Quran, eat, sleep, shower, laundry here and there. Literally. I did not even think about my studies, internships I should be applying, how to get money to buy this top I like, how to this, how to that. I just focus on myself, my relationship with Allah and how much Rasulullah love his umat and how I should love him back. That was the life.

I am so flawed, and I’m still trying to improve myself but without sounding preachy, if anybody takes away one thing from this blog post, make it this: Turn to Allah instead of those empty songs (unless those songs are religious ones/nasyid). Sometimes I see people tweeting how this song or that song is so relatable, and soothing, and brings them peace, you can lost yourself in it and I get that, trust me I even have a playlist of songs I listen to when I’m down, but nobody can bring your heart and mind peace than Allah. Sure, those songs work for a couple of hours but those demons will come back and haunt you. I’ve been there. Words from the Quran or sunnah Rasulullah has more weight and truth, more importantly the power to give peace in your heart. Isn’t that what we all strive for in the end?

Number 2: Pray. I read this one book my sister bought called Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed and in one chapter, it says how if anybody did something wrong, like if a female who wears tudung decided to stop wearing it, or a staff at a company committed fraud, “that person had to first abandon, minimize, put aside, or ignore their prayer before they were able to fall.”

(Surah Al-'Ankabut: Ayat 45)

“When someone decides to abandon their solat, they are also abandoning this protection. It is important to remember that this abandonment of solat often does not happen all at once, but rather in stages. It begins by delaying prayers out of their specified times. Soon it turns into missing the prayer all together. Before you know it, not praying becomes the norm.”

This whole chapter speaks to me on a spiritual level, literally. I may not have veered too far that I started drinking or committed zina, or even went out without my tudung, but going into those things might be easier than what some people think. Who knows what I might end up doing if I stopped praying altogether? Subhanallah.

“For those who wish to turn their lives around, it begins by focusing on and perfecting their solat.”

And that’s where I’ll begin. I can only pray Allah will make the rest of the journey easy for me and I won't fall into any temptations, or making this a temporary feeling. Because I like the direction I'm heading. I hope my family and friends do too. 

To end this long-winded and deeply personal post, I would like to wish Selamat Berpuasa, semua! 

Let's make a full use of this holy month, Ramadhan in search of Allah's blessings, not just for the delicious Malaysian foods at the bazaar! ;)

 

Ps; Is it just me or does other females still have that flicker of hope she could fast all 30 days of Ramadhan even though that has not happened since she first got her period? Lol okay it’s just me.