Ne me quitte pas.

The topic of suicide and death has been on my mind a lot lately. No I'm not contemplating suicide anytime soon, or ever for that matter. Yes I'm just being over dramatic when I say 'kill me' or 'I'm going to die' when I'm stressed. But I just think the topic is.. interesting. That's one way to put it.

How can someone feel so unloved that they just wake up one day and decided to vanish completely from this Earth? How can out of six billions of people in this world nobody saw the hopelessness in his or her eyes? How selfish have we become that we feel as if love is something scarce and we can't extend it to someone? Don't people care?

I guess all of us at some point have thought or even imagined how people will react if you died. I'd like to think that people will cry their eyes out, how bad they'll feel for not saying hi or smile to me when they got the chance. How bad they'll feel for not spending more time with me when they got the chance to. I wonder if they can remember the last time they see me or what were the last sentences I said to them. Will they remember my smile? The lame jokes I told them, the way my face lit up when I'm in a huge bookstore, the way I roll my eyes when I'm pissed off about something?

Will they remember me? How long would it take for them to recover from my death? What picture of me they're going to remember in their mind? Do they wish they had said something before my death if they got the chance?

Oh all the interesting, fascinating, hypothetical questions!

Do you remember how you felt when the idea of 'death' was first brought up to you? Maybe when you were 3 or 4? I remember when I was small, when I first found out that all humans will die. That death skips nobody. And yes that include myself, my parents, my family, my friends. I remember crying, and not being able to sleep about it. I remember thinking 'so we're not going to live this happy forever?' On scale 1 - 10 how innocent was I? 9.5? 9.9?


Some people say it's stupid to fear death. "It's just a life process." Then I can say the same for the birth of a baby, can't I? "Oh that's just another baby, it's just a life process."
But people do get excited and feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they see a baby. And likewise people will feel sad when death happens.

It's not that we fear 'death' itself, we also fear the emptiness we'll feel when someone leaves us forever. That when you pick up the phone they won't answer, or you can't hear their laugh anymore. And also the guilt you might find yourself in to if you moved on too fast, that you probably shouldn't feel this happy yet.

I used to think people who committed suicide are selfish. They just think life is not worth living anymore for themselves. They hadn't thought of how their parents are going to feel burying their own child, of how hard their friends are going to move on with their life.

But that was before I knew what depression feels like. I guess I've never told anyone I was(or still am) depressed was because people will take it lightly. Oh it's the hormones. It's just a 'phase'. "It's amazing what you can hide, just by putting on a smile." Depressed; seems like a common word used in daily conversation, so common for people to feel that way. But why? Why has it become so common? Don't you think we're too young to feel this... empty? That feeling as if you've messed everything up and there's no way out. Have you ever wondered just when life started to become this shitty? Like when you were little you can be happy just playing and laughing and then suddenly you're all grown up and yes you're happy but you know there's something at the back of your mind you wish you could change about your life. You know people can say 'you'll be fine' all they want but to turn 'WILL be fine to 'ARE fine' is another story altogether.

Did you know I tried to cut myself? Yep, once. I was at my rock-bottom and crying so hard and I just felt I need to release this massive pain. I felt useless. I didn't have a knife with me in my room but I had this blunt, small cutter and I actually cut somewhere on my left arm. I didn't bleed, but it did scar(now not so visible). Nobody noticed it. I thought, wow, this can be so easy for me. I wear long sleeves most of the time, and nobody would ever notice it.

But it was just one time. I managed to stop myself before I get addicted. I've read one too many books about cutting to know how easy it is to fall back in to the habit no matter how hard you try to resist it. Sometimes I look at razors and cringe at the thought of harming myself with it.

*WEB EXCLUSIVE* right there. I never told anyone about it. That's one more interesting fact about me for ya.

When I first started learning French, one of the first things our lecturer taught us was how to say 'how are you?' and how to reply it - 'I'm fine, thank you.'
No matter what language you're trying to learn(as in professionally), that question will most probably be taught in the first few lessons. And I realized, you will learn the exact same reply, 'I'm fine'. It's like people just expect you to be fine. They're asking out of politeness, not actually care how you are holding up.

Because let's face it. You are not fine. Not even remotely close. When 'I'm fine' came out of your mouth, thousands of different scenarios and problems whizzed by in your head like a movie on fast-forward, haunting you everyday. I can't remember the last time I said 'I'm fine' and actually whole-heartedly meant it.

Depressed is not about 'feeling down'. It's about feeling hopeless. It's about feeling alone in a room full of people. As if there's this hollowness inside you that never leaves. At least that's how I feel.


I actually have 10 out of 12.



We worry about Japan, how millions of people died but millions of people died committing suicide, something we can actually prevent and nobody actually care. Okay that was a weak comparison but to think that those people will do anything to have their loved ones back but here we are in a disaster-free side of the world, throwing lives away. Isn't that ironic?

You know, because for disasters people can donate money(from $$ to $$$$$) and they think that'll be enough, the people in charge can distribute the money equally and that'll at least lighten their burden. But for people with depression contemplating suicide, they don't need money. They need your time to listen to their stories, or time for them to open up to you which requires patience. And with the so-called modern, fast-paced world nobody actually cares enough. Some people are just blatantly ignorant, but some people do care but it's just.. not enough.

I guess this is where I should write 'oh appreciate your family and friends, value your life.. don't kill yourself because that'll be sinful, blah blah blah.' But it's never that simple. It never is.

Or I can write 'What You Should Do If You Feel Suicidal', or 'How To Overcome Depression', etc but you can Google all of that, hence I don't feel the need to list it down. Get advices and tips straight from the experts, which I am not.

But I do know that (cliché alert) suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. So you had a bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year. You thought 'ugh just kill me now'. I think it's not such a good idea to keep meddling with sentences like that because well, it might just turn into action. Be in the dark long enough you'll feel that's normal, you're content about it. Everybody feels that way. We think we're the only one suffering, nobody understands you.

But you'd be surprised at how many people are just as screwed up as you are. Seriously. How many people are just lonely as you are. Like Tennessee Williams said, "when so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." (If you don't get it just reread it again.) Reach out in some way. If you can try opening up to people, that'll be the best. If you can't (like me), find a way you can let it out. NOT by cutting or hurting yourself. I find writing works, even if it's getting dusty in my draft and I'll never post it. You'll be fine I promi-- well I can't promise you that. Because I can't even convince myself that. But at least that's what I think and hope I'll be someday. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, not this week, not this year. Hey, hope dies last after all. A long hard road ahead? Well that's okay I'm going to pack my bags and prepare myself for a (God's willing) long journey.. called life.



And if there's one thing I do know life is beautiful. And I think it's a waste to be consumed by problems, blinded by miseries not to see that.

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-Ne Me Quitte Pas(translation : don't leave me) is a French song by Jacques Brel, beautifully covered by Nina Simone whose version was used in the movie Mukhsin directed by the late Yasmin Ahmad.

*If you actually read every single word of this post, I love you.

*I'm stronger now than the time I wrote this, which was a few months back. It stayed in my draft for quite some time but I never felt like posting it till now. So, leave a comment? That's a one sure way to brighten up my day.

*I felt like this post is too ~*~*dark*~*~ so here's a smiley :)